justleavelauren

Goals

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:57:59 GMT

110 by the end of Feb and keep it off! (that's only 10 more lbs)

Valentine's Day (just for him <3) - Feb 14th
Sadie's Dance (short dresses) - March 4th

Toned by the end of March

Depending on how I look/feel, possibly down to 105.

Prom (lots of pics) - May

Birthday - June 13

Wedding - July 12

So these are my goal dates to be thin for.

Dang

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 13:12:46 GMT

Down to 119.6 w/ bmi 19.9. Not bad. I haven't been trying for too long either. Haven't plateaued for even a day yet. :]

I did mess up today though. I didn't eat breakfast. Way to kill my metabolism. Oh well. I'm only having like 70 cals and burning at least 250 at the gym. That should do the trick.

I just couldn't make myself eat because I look so pretty empty.

What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is...

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 12:59:56 GMT

Do you consider yourself an artist?

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Yes. More than you will ever be! Haha jk, but I do think I'm pretty artsy.
I draw every day. I also sing, write songs, stories, etc.
I'd consider that an artist, even if not professionally.

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 18:54:42 GMT

I got a gym membership to lifetime fitness. I've been wanting one since August, so I'm really excited. I'm going there at 3 today. Can't wait.

I'm like a child. :] I need to calm down, but I can't because I'm so happy I'm getting skinnnny. :]

What Do You Have To Say? - Some New Creative Skills

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 20:34:22 GMT

What new artistic or creative skills would you like to learn this year?

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I want to learn how to make and paint cute little charms with clay. And, as always, improve my painting and sketching skills. I must say, my sketches aren't bad. But painting... well... at least I'm trying. :]

Fuglies.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 14:37:43 GMT

Sometimes... usually, ugly people really bother me. And it sucks because I'm ugly, too, so I'm always like, "I hope my face isn't quite that painful." And I always think that because I have goals of becoming pretty, I'm actually pretty. And of course, the most annoying uglies are the ones who act like pretties. I think I just get that attitude because my friends are all pretty. It would only be logical if I was, too, right? Right???

And then fat people, too. They take up so much fucking space. It takes only a few of them to cause a traffic jam in the school hallways. Diet, please? If they can't do it for themselves, could they please do it for the other 1500 students trying to get through the hallways? And I know I'm not exactly skinny, but my butt fits on one chair, k? I'm really tired of being fat and being considered fat and I'm skinnier than most of the people at my school, but everyone at my school is obese. Blech... exercise.

God made it so hard to lose weight because he wants lots of fatties to laugh at. Just my theory. He's going to smite me when I walk into church today. I don't care. That lightning will probably burn some cals.

Blechhh.

Ouch.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 04:35:22 GMT

All I wanted was your love.

One of my friends caught me crying today. I'd just been on the phone with my fiance. I got upset and he started yelling, which is what he always does when I get upset, so I started crying. Then my friend called and I tried to hide it, but he could hear it in my voice. Once he caught me, all the tears came out and he made me admit why I was upset. Not fun. I never let anyone see or hear me cry, except for my fiance, but that's only because he's the reason I cry. Except for on lj, I'm never even pessimistic or down on myself. I like having this lj no one reads because I can be honest with myself and I can be upset when I want to be. Anyways, he was coming to pick me up with a bunch of other people in the car and I had to get my face looking better really fast. Didn't entirely work, but I blamed the redness on the temperature.

I left my purse in the hotel room Thursday morning and couldn't go back for it until the evening. Security has this policy where they count out all the cash left, right a receipt for it and put it in the register. So when I went back for my purse, they told me I had $61. That sounded correct. They handed me my purse and $61 cash from the drawer. Well, they messed up somewhere because I still had $14 in my purse and now $61 in my hand. That's $75... not bad. I could forget purses for a living.

I started telling this story to some of my friends today. I got to "I left my purse in the hotel room," when my fiance decided to kiss me all over my face and everywhere. I was in a group of 11 people with everyone listening intently and then that. I just said "Nevermind." and never finished. He always has to be the center of attention. It was my friend's birthday dinner and my fiance hardly let him talk. All afternoon, everyone played a boring Zombie!!! game because my fiance wanted to and the birthday boy just sat around bored. Luckily, my best friend and I wouldn't play either, so he had us to talk to. I'm so frusterated with him...

He wanted me to go to his house tonight. Just to talk for an hour. I said I was tired and "Could we please do that tomorrow?" He said he had to go to church and that would take up the whole day. He used to invite me to go to church with him. I didn't see him. Partly because of that stupid excuse and mostly because I know he'd talk me into having sex and then keep me there until I wasn't awake enough to drive home, causing his parents to throw a fit when they found me in the morning. Then, I'd feel worthless and like I have no control over my life for a long, long time. He's good at making me feel that way.

I guilt-tripped him into inviting me to church tomorrow.

I'm back.

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 05:57:59 GMT

I don't know how to start. Pretend this is an introduction.

I started off Thursday night by eating way too much. It was lovely. I scarfed down my chicken tenders and when everyone ordered desert, I became a conformist. Already, I felt like crap. I really wasn't looking forward to swimming with a stomach like a pregnant woman, so I was only slightly dissapointed when my friends decided to skip swimming and go to bed at 8:30. I never even saw the pool.

The hotel forgot to set up a breakfast room for us, so we had to get this crappy "continental breakfast" and pay for it. I got coffee and a bagel. $4.00. One of my friends got a muffin, a banana, yogurt, and a water. $11.00. That doesn't even add up. So much for 5 star hotel. It really was 5 stars, but it was pretty crappy compared to the hotels in Rochester. Then there was some more food... and more food... and I'm really done talking about food. Just know that there was enough of it to make me miserable.

I learned about myself. I got to see myself through other people's eyes today.

In the morning we went to a performance anxiety workshop and the presenter listed different stereotypes that keep people from succeeding. I'm the under-achiever. I'm stuck in the past, always talking and thinking about when I was better. I won't take a chance because it's more work than it used to be, so I think I'll fail. I also have a fear of success. What if I got what I wanted and I was dissappointed, or mainly, if other people thought they could do better and got jealous or angry with me. As far as getting a solo in choir goes... I won't audition because even if I did get the part, other girls would just talk about me behind my back because "they could do better."

We performed at some church which wasn't as great as I expected. Maybe I'm just easy to dissappoint lately. I felt that we didn't do very well. At all. But none of the other choirs were so amazing either, so it didn't matter. Then I looked around and a lot of the girls and a lot of the audience were pouring tears. I really hate the way I sing and the way we sounded today. Maybe everyone was crying because we made their ears bleed. I felt just terrible.

Our director was saying goodbye to everyone who got off the bus after the performance. She'd say their name, hug them, tell them how awesome they are. She didn't say my name... just kind of loosely hugged me back. I wondered why I even came. She caught up to me in Starbucks, maybe 30 mins later. Told my friends to continue on so she could talk to me. I doubt I can remember her words exactly, but it was something like, "I know how hard it is for you to get to school this year. I don't know if you've been sick or what, but I'm really glad you made it to school and came on this trip with us. We really needed your voice. You could do this professionally." And then some other stuff I don't remember because when she said that my eyes watered. I would have cried, but she's the kind of woman who can say that stuff without meaning it and not feel any guilt. Still, I needed to hear that. I've been trying so hard and I really hope she meant it.

I tried to sleep on the bus, but my chair wouldn't recline all the way, and there was a table too close for me to comfortably tuck my knees up to curl in a ball. I ended up letting a classmate "read me." She was giving all these deep insights she had for people's personalities. For me, she said, "You like having close friends. You don't want a lot of just decent friends. You love being with your close friends, but you don't have enough of them. And I get this feeling of confidence from you. It's like an inner confidence. Like you know you're amazing and you don't have to brag about it. I like that." I've been trying to analyze myself for a while. I think she knew my friendship situation better than I do myself. But the confidence thing, I'm not sure on. I do see potential in myself, but I also see that right now I'm a fat, lazy, scared, slob who doesn't know how to control herself, so just follows everyone else. It goes along with my underachiever stereotype. I know what I have been, so I assume that's who I could be, but I'm not there. I'm pretty much disgusting. I just know that no one will like me, they'll all get annoyed, if I tell them everything I hate about myself. People are attracted to confidence, so if I want to fit in at all, I have to be confident. The reason I don't brag: I have nothing to brag about.

I didn't want to leave my car on the school lot overnight, so I didn't. My argumentative mother had to pick me up after the trip.

Adam didn't want to pick me up because he's playing a zombie video game. He wants to marry me, but he always chooses zombies over me. I've given up on trying to be happy in this relationship. I'm already engaged, so no matter how it goes, I'm in it forever. And if he doesn't really love me, that's okay. I can still love him and find other things in life, like a career or children to make me happy. Maybe if he neglects me enough, I'll get motivation to succeed in other areas of my life. Who knows.

10 minutes.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:59:58 GMT

I'm leaving for school in ten minutes. Straight from school to the bus.. then several hours of just sitting, and finally grand rapids. I used to always look forward to the long bus rides with my choir. They start with energy drinks and laughing and stories. Slowly, group singing begins. Then, somebody starts crying, the energy drinks wear off, and everyone falls asleep except for me. It seems I'm either the first sleeping, or the only one awake.

Once we reach grand rapids, we will get our rooms in the "amazing" four-star hotel and have the evening to ourselves. We were all planning to go swimming. So I shaved last night. And got disgusting, painful razor burn, but that didn't phase me. What did, is that I cannot find my swimsuit bottom.. so I packed cheer shorts. I'm pretty sure everyone will find that strange... like maybe I didn't have enough money for a decent swim suit, or assume I wore shorts because I'm embarassed of my fat ass. Oh well. Maybe I'll just chill in the room with Julieta. She's not planning on swimming anyways.

What Do You Have To Say? - Tools of My Trade

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:48:42 GMT

What work tools could you not live without?

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A pencil or pen. I'm a student, so I really need to be able to write. A pencil also allows me to sketch during class and saves me from dying of boredom.

She reminds her of me.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:01:53 GMT

My icon. My best friend sent me a picture of a beautiful anime girl. She was thin with blonde hair and amazing fashion sense. My hair is fading. Everyone says it's blonde, but they're just holding on to some old image of me in middle school. It's slowly fading into a blah-brown abyss. I wish I was as beautiful as this girl. She's not even real, just a drawing. It's really too bad. One day I will be beautiful like her.

Tomorrow I leave for Grand Rapids. Straight after school, the Advanced Women's Chorale is going to some "amazing" four-star hotel. What rediculous rumors. No one's even seen the hotel and already it's "amazing." Friday afternoon we will perform with the best high school choirs in Michigan. We will be the worst. I don't think we sound as good now as we did last year when they invited us to this concert. We'll be lucky to be invited back next year.

I am an ugly choir dork and I fought with my fiance today. How can I afford to make him dislike me when there's so little of me to like? He is my everything and I am nothing. I am an idiot.

Apparently I'm not in a good mood right now. I still have a lot of packing to do for my trip tomorrow night. I'm just going to go to bed and finish tomorrow morning. Maybe. I might accidently turn off my alarm and fall back to sleep. I'll miss my morning classes and not be allowed on a school trip. Fun stuff. I don't know why I bother blogging so often. No one's reading this. Actually, I guess I do know...

I like that no one can read this. It's a way to speak my mind without anyone actually hearing. It's relieving. I can be much harsher online than I typically am and it's satisfying to read the truth, even if I've written it myself.

I might not post for a few days. I suppose this insanely long post will make up for that.

What Do You Have To Say? - Inspiring

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 01:56:31 GMT

What inspires you to create?

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Pain. I do my best work, whether it's writing, sketching, or whatever, when my heart is breaking. Luckily, I haven't had much inspiration for the past year!

Well this is great.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:41:52 GMT

Yesterday he was trying so hard to get into my pants. Today I washed up, shaved, dressed nicely. He says he'll take me out to dinner and then wants to just cuddle at his place. Now he's called again. He picked up some burger king with his brother. They're hanging out at his place w/ some people. Fuck that. Now he expects me to drive all the way over there for fast food. I bet he got me chicken fries. I don't even want to eat and especially not greasy, disgusting chicken fries. I told him I didn't want to drive, so he agreed to pick me up. He's here now.

Rumors

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 20:40:02 GMT

I thought I was an outsider. You know, one of those people so low key, so unheard of, that I held zero social status. I rarely hear gossip, and I can't imagine anyone talking about me behind my back. Is there even anything interesting to say about me? But today I heard a rumor about myself. Some underclassmen said I was married to a guy in Iraq and six months pregnant. I thought that was funny. There is a girl in my school who fits that description, but it's not me. I think they got confused because I'm engaged, but my baby has a nice job at the hospital and lives within a mile of me. Plus, I'm not pregnant. My friend who overheard bitched them out for me, but didn't recognise any of them. I really hope those people only knew me by name and not by face. If they have seen me before, does that mean I look six months pregnant? I'm on the lower side of average for my height; can I really look pregnant? I decided then and there to eat even less. Now I'm binging again. I think I've been eating so much all day because I am so unhappy with that stupid rumor. I am not pregnant and I don't look it! Now I'm rambling... oh well..

The new semester is going well so far. I've already forgotten to get a couple of syllabuses signed, though. I have a speech to give in oral communications tomorrow. I don't know a lot of people in that class, so I should attempt to make a good impression, but I'm so tempted to start the speech off ranting and throw in some rumor control. I hope I can control myself.

What Do You Have To Say? - When I Grow Up...

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 23:12:33 GMT

What do you want to be when you "grow up?"

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I know what I want to be. I just don't know what I'm capable of. I wanted to be an artist, but I hate my highschool art teacher so I don't want to take all the highschool art courses. Plus there's so much competition. I could be in a professional choir, except I freak out in auditions. So.. I tried modelling. I was photographed by some semi-professional and professional photographers. One said I need to lose weight. I lost weight. The rest said I was beautiful. Then the photographers started getting creepy and my fiance hated it. I was too scared to apply to an agency, so I just quit. I'm too lazy and too right-brained to do anything difficult for long... I think I will just become a housewife.